First thing I noticed about this week’s Bridezillas episodes were Stephanie‘s boobs, because as you can see from the lead-in shot (which expands if you click on it, of course), Stephanie was bouncing those boobs all around the screen as the episode started. Then, within minutes, she Tased someone and was threatened with institutionalization. Then, she couldn’t remember the name of the military guy she’s a’marryin’.
Side note: My bride — a non-zilla — is watching with me this morning (watched boxing last night instead of live coverage; sue me). Her reaction within the first two minutes: “She’s crazy.”
This was right before Dame Titsy McSouthernDrawl of Chattanooga conceded that she has a couple dudes as bridesmaids ’cause she don’t have many ladyfriends. (Well, at least one. His name’s Krupp for whatever reason.) I can’t imagine why. One of the guymaids concedes that there was a time when he thought “I’d be nice to walk down Stephanie with the aisle.”
Moments later, she walks out of a dressing room with her breastuses just spilling out of a dress. Guymaid was impressed, until she started fiddling around with her tampon string. No, I didn’t make anything in these preceding paragraphs up.
Yo, she’s totally nuts. But whatever. Blame a society in which hot chicks are pedestaled and red carpeted.
Anyway, Titsanie doesn’t want Chris’ mammy at the wedding. And Chris wants Chris’ mammy at the wedding. So Titsanie locks herself in the bathroom. Then, she emerges with a Taser and Chris willingly takes a Tasing. Look:
“I do like causing pain. Uh, for some reason it gives me pleasure,” Titsanie says. “Sometimes it gives (sic) my rocks off. What can I say?”
(Later in the show, Chris’ mammy offers a Reader’s Digest version: Stephanie is “a bitch” who’s been handed everything in life.)
One of the bridesmaids is a former boss who fired her for starting trouble with fellow employees and whatnot.
She gets freaked out during her pedicure because of all the dead skin.
And, she says they’re going to their house for their honeymoon. Nudity. Whips. Chains. Impregnation. That type of stuff.
“I do have some sick fetishes,” she admits in Hallmarkian fashion.
If Titsanie does not have at least one reel on YouPorn already, she will by this time next week. Bet.
Verdict: There’s really no upshot from here as she doesn’t strike me as having gone through any level of intensive intellectual education which would enable her to cash in on much beyond penis-cupcake eating and whippin’ and chainin’ and breedin’ but whatever. We’re all God’s children.
Horrible-person Miyesha is back. And she’s adding charges to her $15K+ affair, all while asking for a fake invoice to show her victim.
“I am delusional,” HP Miyesha says. “But I’m gonna be delusional with an awesome wedding, guest book and awesome everything.”
Blah, blah, blah. Take a look at how the bridesmaids look during a discussion with the divazilla at the nail salon. This is right before Jimmie (middle) says she would fight her today if need be.
So, Jimmie’s out. And everytime they flash back to Miyesha segments, I find myself wishing they’d just marry her the eff off already and cut back to Titsanie, for whom I hope a five-episode arc is scheduled (with a behind-the-YouPorn-curtain director’s cut).
Miyesha’s outside fighting with yet another bridesmaid at this point. This is getting so damn tired. She’s unlikable to begin with, even from a train-wreck observational platform. Etc.
Flash forward to wedding morning. Groom got fired from his job, apparently, because of the whole Bridezillas thang. And now there are questions of whether vows will actually be exchanged. This concerns Miyesha because of the money that could be lost, nothing nuptial-related in the least.
But then he says all that was a joke or whatever. She says it wasn’t funny. But it was funny because he got the better of her. (Fun fact: Miyesha is wearing a sweatshirt with a Fleur-de-lis on the back; Titsanie was wearing a Fleur-de-lis necklace. Wake up, sheeple.)
Then, they try to kick the WeTV staff out of the limo en route to the wedding. Then, they get out of the limo when the staff doesn’t get out. Then, the staff gets out and they get back in and ride off into the hellscape.
Good. Nation’s better off that this union goes uncelebrated.