WALK THE PLANK, BRO
This week’s episode starts where last week’s left off: The couples banging the night away with all those toys and costumes and whatnot they got at David Carradine’s Sex Shop.
I’m only half paying attention at the onset, but I think 1) Debbie Gibson just said she and Chris got some squirrels in the mix, 2) Kirsten put a pink wig on Seth and banged him twice and 3) Rob and Remy got off by purchasing new followers on Twitter.
Then, they’re off onto some “Burning Questions” thing in which spouse No. 1 asks spouse No. 2 anything they want (and vice versa).
Byron doodles something that looks like Bart Simpsons’ head with breastuses. Porsha then claims that the guards made up the fact that Byron cheated on her because they want her to look like a fool. Let this moment serve as proof that not only is Porsha on the show in an attempt to land a spinoff, but she’s a bad actress who maintains that she wants to stay at the #BZBootCamp estate to better herself. OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, THE PHONE AGAIN. THAT GODDAMN PHONE SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN SHOW ALREADY SO I CAN IGNORE IT AND NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT BYRON’S FUCKING CELL PHONE AGAIN. If I was #BZBootCamp counselor Dana, I wouldn’t have been able to keep a straight face when speaking with these two, especially when Byron stammers through a surely-scripted apology to the crowd.
Anyway, they’re onto some sort of life-preserver thing in the backyard. Sinking ship. Only room for one of you. Yawn. If any of these guys don’t jump in the water to spare their lady, they’re instantly the worst person on earth. So of course Fake Twitter Follower Enthusiast Rob Maaddi starts talking about how he’s scared of swimming.
This is so damn contrived. But I watch. Because I hope one of these dudes tries to pull off the “I should live” grift. So, Chris and Marlon and Seth go in the drink.
Then, FTFE Rob talks all big and bold about how he’d dive in headfirst for her but he doesn’t swim, so he can’t.
And Remy starts talking about a fucking panic attack when faced with the prospect of jumping in a kiddie pool on the set of a TV show as if it’s the North Fucking Atlantic.
These two jitbags. (Side note: If these two get a spinoff show, will they pack the studio audience with Real Dolls to represent their Twitter following?)
“We’re going to need a bigger ego.”
This is especially ironic in the wake of #SharkNado and the bravery of the 90210 guy therein.
And then he storms around the house in boxer briefs trashing the place before talking about how being a sportswriter means he has to be around sports 24/7. This, despite the fact that it’s just not true. OMG MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH. FTFE REMY TELLS FTFE ROB THAT SHE’S JEALOUS OF THE ATTENTION HE PAYS TO SPORTS BECAUSE SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS (make an easy plotline for an appearance fueled by a desire for more TV time).
Byron and Porsha up there on the plank now. Byron jumps.
Once they’re all gathered in the kitchen after all this, the Kirsten/Debbie Gibson war flares up again.
Ayo, is Kirsten flashing gang signs behind Seth’s back? TAMPA FLA REPRESENT WHAT WHAT
As in Kirsten says DG is trashy and mean and DG is all, like, stand up for yourself instead of relying on Seth as your tough-guy mouthpiece!
And Kirsten’s all I don’t respect you and I don’t TRY TO HURT PEOPLE LIKE YOU!
And new Kirsten is more adult that Bridezilla Kirsten so I’m'a leave the room so I don’t have to be around a “girl like her!” And that “she’d be butt ugly if she didn’t have a skinny body and big boobs.” Um, yeah.
And DG’s all, like, I’m glad she stood up for herself.
RRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!
(Real Talk: This doesn’t seem scripted so FTFEs Rob and Remy and Porsha and Byron should take note. Realer Talk: Seth’s whole “‘Melissa’ acts this way because she was made fun of” don’t hold much water as hot chicks with skinny bodies and big boobs don’t often get made fun of.)
This is just so played out now. Thank goodness the season’s just about over. If I knew then what I know now, well I don’t want to say that I’d have ignored #BZBootCamp, but I’d have come close to it. I just feel bad for these counselors/guards that thought they were getting five couples interested primarily in fixing their relationships. Poor things.