Chris at the moment he tells Debbie Gibson, “What are you talking about? I’m the best dancer in there.”
This week’s episode of #BZBootcamp starts with fake Twitter-follower enthusiast Rob Maaddi yapping about how he won’t go down for breakfast because he hasn’t gotten a shower yet.
The guards or counselors or whatever are saying the theme of the day is “respect.”
Cut to downstairs: Kirsten’s all, like, Danni and Marlon are fake in front of the cameras.
Cut to upstairs: Debbie Gibson is eyeing up a purple ballgown to wear downstairs on fancypants-dressing day. Because “I’m going to look the best.” Which she does. Until Anya, the dance instructor comes in for tango teachin’. Because fishnets and heels.
The dance lessons, meant to instill respect via cooperation, look a little like this:
So they’re all at one another’s throats since they can’t really master the tango in one hour.
As FTFE Rob puts it, “If I can’t do it perfectly, I don’t want to do it.”
And Kirsten’s all dance-hall instructor with Seth since she’s a dancer and Seth would rather get attacked by fire ants than do so; her loud orders irk the others, of course.
And Porsha’s talking about foots in asses.
And Danni and Marlon are looking dancegood to the point that Kirsten’s all paranoid.
Then, the contest starts.
Danni and Marlon nail it down to toothy rose exchange.
Kirsten and Seth: respectable performance, too.
Chris and Melissa, er, Debbie G.: Less respectable. As DG totally forgot all the steps; this, after telling the cameras that he can’t dance one bit. Well lookie here: He carried the squad and DG congratulated him for the “good moves” afterwards.
Rob and Remy: Preening peacocks turned loose on a Delaware Avenue dance floor. Like it was any-coin any-drink night at Maui.
Porsha and Byron: Not bad. Not bad. Until he collapses with chest tightness and gets hauled off by an ambulance after Melissa does some good work about getting him treated. Nurse or doctor background?
Rob takes this as a life/death lesson. Because yes, some guy who’s conscious when taken off to the nearby hospital for fluids and rest is a total fucking holocaust situation. I mean, you had a point when piggybacking the whole “how can Danni be worried about Marlon when Byron’s the one who went down,” but c’mon son.
Medical-attention notwithstanding, let’s look at the Dance Fever scoring results from this here seat:
5th Place: Rob and Remy
4th Place: Porsha and Byron
Tied for 2nd Place: Kirsten and Seth; Chris and Debbie G.
1st Place: Danni and Marlon
Anyway, with the fourth place finishers now off to the hospital, the other teams are writing relational needs on nametags and slapping it on their spouses’ chests.
One of the stickers on Seth says “kisses.”
These include “just look at pricetags when you pick something up.” And “I’m afraid to touch you sometimes because it seems like too much work.” “I can’t listen sometimes because you talk so fast.”
GUH ROWL.
Seeing some breakthroughs with Chris and Melissa, which is cool, since they seem like good here-for-the-right-reasons folks.
Porsha’s back. They gonna keep Byron overnight. Kirsten jumps up to hug Porsha, who tells FTFE Rob that Byron’ll be back tomorrow. Circle of life, Robbie, who launches into Danni at the kitchen table about selfishness, with Kirsten sidenoting that Danni’s old Bridezillas self is showing again.
Fight at the table time!!!
“Fuck all y’all,” says Danni. “I’m the fakest one? You can kiss my muthafuckin’ ass.”
Woe. They cut away too quickly. This shit was just getting good. So you know what? You don’t show me the violence — whether it be verbal or physical — that I want, Bridezillas Marriage Boot Camp, I won’t share the end of this episode with the non-viewing public. Maybe I won’t next week either, motherfuckers.
Fuck all y’all.
Previous #BZBootCamp posts can be found via this link.