We start this week’s with Bridezilla Amanda, to whom we’re introduced while she yaps about how everything’s bigger and better in Texas. Because that’s, apparently, what anybody from Texas is force to do under some sort of threat of retribution. SAY IT. SAY IT. OR I’LL SHOOT YOUR ARMADILLO IN THE F’ING FACE.
She and Derek are renewing their vows. Hence, what’s also bigger and better in Texas is a need for never-ending look-at-me attention.
They go to the gun range. Because, again, that’s also what you do anytime you get on a cable TV-show and you’re from Texas.
Why are these people are on Bridezillas? Were they that desperate for contestants to fill out the final season?
I mean, I get it, it’s cool to have Amanda’s buxom friend on camera with guns. But then they go and ruin even that by having her puke in the gun-range potty.
And it’s cool to have your Marriagevowrenewalzilla putting bullets in guns backwards and shooting at cartoon character’s breastuses.
But no. Not enough. Seriously, why is this lady on Bridezillas? These vow-renewal episodes are an insult to the very essence of what this show should be.
FINE, it’s kinda cool how they have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party and the married lady starts slugging margaritas and yapping at her man and others.
Like, about his vasectomy.
And getting all I’m-not-good-enough-worry-y when just-about-smoking-hot Sammi or Sammy shows up and makes this segment worthwhile with mere presence alone. Because I, for one, don’t like hearing about dick-snip intricacies.
Because it exposes Amanda as the type of moron who will follow a smoking-hot chick into the bathroom and talk down to her, tell her to back off because this is MAI night and YOU ain’t gonna take the attention.
Guess what, sunshine: Attention’s already off you. Bring. Back. Sammy. Or. Sammi. Or Whatever. Or the busty gun-range friend.
Now Amanda’s talking about popping laxatives in order to fit into her dress. She’s saying this as she slugs wine or champagne.
This has devolved into nothing but a case study in why we shouldn’t cave in to people’s attention-hunger demands. Amanda, dear, it looks like you have a good life — albeit in Texas, which is far from the utopia you’ve been forced to maintain publicly — just be happy for what you have instead of feeding your inner starvation for validation. It’s unbecoming.
Fight back, lady. There’s still hope for you. You are not a bad person, even if you’re faking feeling crappy to get out of living up to the responsibilities inherent in this little attention-quest windmill at which you’re tilting mascara applicators.
But hey, ladies who read this: Drop me an email or comment to help explain how much makeup was applied before she was all laid up in bed. It looks like she had some ample time with the facepaint applicators even though she’s not “feeling well.”
Update: Despite a line on the show about tomfoolery, Bridezilla Amanda has responded via Twitter to this issue. To wit:
To be sure, this isn’t the first complaint I’ve heard about WeTV’s fast-and-loose editing in recent weeks. But whatever. Go on the show. Deal with the ramifications, yo.
Anyway, Bridezilla Dezjuan‘s back. Horrible, horrible Dezjuan who now claims she has an alter ego named Lola, who is an alcoholic who headbutts and then pretends to slow dance in Akron, Ohio.
She’s looking for a bachelorette-party dress with sequins. Picks out an “unclassy” “not cute” one. Turns out, Dezjuan, Lola or whatever has little fashion sense in the estimation of the friend who accompanied her on this mission. “You’re about to be someone’s wife. Not someone’s one-night stand,” says friend Amaya-or-something-like-that.
So anyway, no one’s there when she shows up at her bachelorette party. And she’s all crying in the baffroom. When people start showing up late. Which shifts tears to a ragey peptalk and a Kirsten-y type spinny dance.
It’s her wedding day and she’s all ragey. And late to the church. Which Tyler will just get over because I’m Dez and whatthefuckever I’m'a do wut I want. This poor, detached-from-reality thing; this is what happens when you don’t keep on your A game all the way through, mothers of the world; your daughter will slug booze from tha bottle within hours of the wedding, before Grandmama Jozette get there and talk about how Dezjuan is trippin.
To the point of there being dust mites or maggots on her wedding dress.
MAGGOTS ON THE WEDDING DRESS.
MAGGOTS!
ON!
THE!
WEDDING!
DRESS!
Maggots on the wedding dress. (There weren’t.)
Maggot in the wedding dress. (There was.)
The carrying on continues through the wedding. Blah, blah, Dezjuan’s so damn played out.
BUT THEN DEZ GETS HER TOES SUCKED AT THE WEDDING AND THEN KISSED WITH THE TOE-SUCKING MOUTH AND HOLY SHIT FILTHY FILTHY FILLLLLLL THYYYYYYY.
Concluding point: WeTV should give Grandmama Jozette her own spinoff. She solid people.