There was a moment when I thought that Bridezilla Sofia was charming. It was after they cloak-showed the work her bosom doctor had done, but before she explained how she would ask her man, every single day, whether he was going to marry her and when he was going to propose, rinse, repeat, daily.
Because that’s tacky.
Not as tacky as the uncomfortable silence that ensues when Sofia and meatbag groom-to-be Shaun were asked what makes their relationship special. A silence that lasted until she says something about attraction i.e. banging. But tacky nonetheless.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE THESE TWO ARE FROM PHILLY TOO. I wonder if they purchase Twitter followers like Rob and Remy Maaddi. (Side note: Taneema and Thomas were the best Bridezillas couple in show history).
But I digress.
Seems as if Sofia can’t parallel park without dinging some cars near 13th and Chestnut. Nor can she walk back to 13th and Chestnut from City Hall after procuring the marriage license on the fourth floor.
The loving couple leaves Philadelphia City Hall
Fun fact for non-Philadelphians: The fourth floor is where City Council holds its hearings; also, 13th and Chestnut is two and a half blocks from where they exited the building.
Funner fact: They came perilously close to an upskirt shot when they show Sofia getting into the car in an alley while wearing a short, tight, breast-revealing pink dress.
Anyway, they show her crying when they go to some place called “River Winde” to prep for the reception. Then, they show her telling the wedding planners how Shaun used to be an alcoholic, but that he can drink at the reception because, whatever, he’s not really that much of an alcoholic I suppose.
They get into a “your stoopid” spat because Shaun doesn’t remember the appetizers they’re serving. They’re so Philly that I think I may have seen these two around before.
Anyway, Shaun wanted to head out to the gym — imagine that — but Sofia has a spray tanning appointment for them. When Shaun objects to this on account of him not liking spray tanning because it’s fake, this is what Bridezillas cheekily shows:
Because her breastuses are fake, in case you didn’t catch on. Get it? Fake tan and fake titties?
Oooh Lord, she looks harsh when not all made up. No offense. Kinda like that wake-up picture of Katy Perry that Russell Brand instagrammed that one time. Just not flattering.
Then, what we have is Shaun stripping down into a thong. Striking poses like he’s in a Mr. Strong Dude contest. But then Sofia’s all like, I don’t like it when he shows his body off for others because that should just be for her. This makes sense, on account of the dude looking like he carves out 10 waking minutes a day to non-fitness-related endeavors.
Just so, so, so Northeast and/or South Philly, these two (I think the former since they show them heading into town on the Schuylkill).
She doesn’t seem to have many friends, as they left town after high school.
“Shaun gets to go out with his friends and all, but all my friends are gone. It’s so lonely,” she says. “I feel alone. I feel alone. I feel alone. It sucks. It’s a lonely, cold world out there.”
I hope things get better before next week’s episode.
When they bring Bridezilla Aleshia back on — which is akin to waterboarding someone with bamboo shoots under their fingernails — it’s bachelorette party time. She’s fixated on the fact that Brandon’s ex hangs out at the bar to which they’re heading.
There’s talk — at her three-woman party — that she shouldn’t go through with the wedding; then there’s talk about the three going to a hotel room and getting naked all night and the need for baby wipes because it’s “going to get messy.” I’m really not sure what’s going on here, but I’m really, really sure that I don’t want to see the equivalent of a Port-o-Potty getting flipped so three meth queens can roll around in the refuse.
Fast forward to the next day and Aleshia tells Brandon that his best man Lucas was talking shit about her. She learned this because she went through his phone. So he admits he doesn’t like her. Brandon acts all tough which is like a kitten scowling at another kitten who just laughs it off.
This is an example of a Bridezillas contestant who will never be able to blame producers and show runners for editing the footage to make her look worse. Zero redeeming qualities. Unless you consider yelling off a balcony about how he doesn’t have money in front of other people.
Time to fast forward through their segments; I don’t want to subject you to this nonsense anymore.